Page 27 - 2017 December Voices
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A WRITING EXERCISE
Single Monologue Character Assassination
by Joe Anthony, DTM
Award-winning author, mentor, and writing coach Joe Anthony agreed to submit
an article to Voices!, if he was allowed the freedom to be creative. Joe’s article reveals
his penchant for the unusual.
Dear Mr. Reyce, just that. At the Christmas
Nobody talks to Ely. And I know, as swap last year he gave Linda a magnetic bottle
management, you’re limited in how much sway opener from his last job. His résumé, which
you have over the social environment of the I’m now sure was padded within an inch of its
breakroom. But I just wanted to bring it to your life, said he was an engineer—something about
attention that nobody talks to him. contamination testing—but I’m willing to bet it
First off, there’s the odor issue. You know the was a kindness title. You know how we call our
warehouse has a name for him? I would never use janitors ‘Sanitary Technicians?’
it, but they call him ‘The Great Unwashed’ when Nobody talks to Ely, and you know what, I don’t
he’s out. Or when he’s down the hall. Or when think they should be forced to. A conversation
he’s been quiet for too long and we forget he’s still with him is like chatting with a sentient pair of
in the office, slowly and methodically bending stained sweatpants. And he insists on shaking
the community paperclips into hundreds of tiny your hand every time you greet him. I’m like,
checkmarks. ‘Hello, we’ve already met.’ But I think he’s using it
Nobody talks to Ely, and I think I know why. to test people. Like a micro aggression. He wants
Aside from the slow, loose thoughts that come to see if you’ll hesitate to shake the broken hand.
tumbling out when you ask him a direct question, It’s just a mass of finger parts and waxy skin. I
which inevitably congeals into a roundabout mean, I’ve never hesitated, but I’m guessing some
‘I don’t know.’ There’s also the depressing side of the gals might find it off-putting. Apparently,
of talking to him. And I don’t mean cutely according to Jim in shipping, the VA still gives
depressing like Linda and her ‘This Meeting him painkillers for it. Do you think he takes them
Could Have Been A Text’ mug. I mean, really at work? Maybe he was loopy that night we all
depressing. Like when I asked him about his had to stay late because of an ordering error.
schooling he told me a long, slow story about a He wears that frayed submarine hat pretty low.
girl with polio he was assigned to. I guess he had Low enough to hide bloodshot eyes, that’s all
the same sparkling personality when he was in I’m saying. You know what the Marines call the
grade school, because his teachers paired him Navy? Never Again Volunteer Yourself. I didn’t
with a girl on crutches. For recess. For a whole serve, but my wife’s father did, so I think I can
year. When I thought this might be an uplifting speak to that.
story, that Ely might finally share an endearing Anyway, nobody talks to Ely and I thought
anecdote, he tells me he hated it. She was boring, you should know. Consider this my official
walking around every recess listening to her recommendation to move him into a position
was boring, and life sucks. That’s the punchline more accommodating of his personal needs. We
to every story he tells—everything sucks. No always need more truck counters in the guard
wonder the universe reflects that negative energy shack. That would at least give him some quiet
back onto him, am I right? time to reflect and get some fresh air.
Nobody talks to Ely, and I think it’s throwing
an awkward element into our social dynamic. Sincerely,
During our last group building exercise you Brian R.
told us not to ‘other ourselves’ to the tribe, but Distribution & Logistics Wizard
I think I know someone who’s already doing
VOLUME 4 ISSUE 6 DECEMBER, 2017 27
